Posts Tagged by Revelations

Hope is the New Crack…


I can’t give it up. Hope seems to be sucking the life out of me, yet I’m addicted to hope like a junkie. No matter how hard I try to crush it, quell it, it rides up, full and insatiable. Taking me, lulling me with false promises again and again. Each time, the SAME DAMN THING! Varying degrees of disappointment withdrawal. Yet each time I meet somebody new there goes that same hope again. Pathetically resilient. Embarrassing and stubborn. Reaching through my eyes and seizing hold as if it never learned its lesson.

Even after my proclamations of happiness (which I truly am). I am praising God each day for the peace and the joy that I feel. Yet, true to junkie tendency, when I meet a guy that I like, hope shoots through me impulsively. I can’t help but take a hit off that hazy blue romanticism, the misty promises that fog the moment and shape my pleasure into whatever I want. But man, when those clouds clear…. When the endorphins die, and I am left with something more raw and exposed, and I vow never to do the shit again. Only I can’t help myself…

And here it is that I met someone. Anyone. At some random spot. Anywhere. Like so many other times in my life. I try to pay it no mind. Ignore it. An alcoholic drinking water at the bar. But there it is right in front of me once more. Hope. What is it doing here? I don’t even need it. Don’t even want it. Yet it persists. It’s existence manifesting more poignantly through it’s tainted underside. I barely even knew I was hopeful until he didn’t call. Till my phone gleamed with a beautiful emptiness. Then I knew I had been sucked in, once again.

Does this habitual hope have women sucked up in a perpetual pipe dream? Is it impossible to let go of the youthful obsession with boys, dream weddings, and love at first sight? Is it hope that prevents women like me from settling for something more ‘reality based?’ Is it hope that starts the downward spiral of disappointment? But no matter what pain I go through, I keep coming back for more. The hope in me fiercely untamed, controlling me, without my knowledge or permission. I’m hooked. Addicted. And neither bitterness nor elation can seem to rehabilitate me.

Waiting for Mr. Wrong!?

What a smack in the face that in this day and age, not only do we have to risk being heartbroken by those we considered Mr. Right, but to add insult to injury, we actually have to be sidelined and second tiered by those we don’t even really like and are only giving a chance because hey, ya never know. This insulting circumstance can make a girl want to stop the whole dating process altogether. I mean seriously, if it wasn’t for the free gifts and the retrospective amusement, I’d have stopped long ago.

I was invited on a Friday night date to the movies which I accepted despite the fact that the dude during our last date (on which I contributed to the bill) mentioned that he had not only one son that we had talked about earlier, but another daughter by another baby mama somewhere else. In fact, based on that first date, the only real redeeming quality was that… he was nice. A quality sadly rare enough to try again. Since niceness is something that lies at the foundation of the type of relationship I would like, I figured I should see where it goes.

To make a long story short, after rushing home from work to wash my hair and get ready for our date, he ends up not responding to my text asking what his ETA was, and finally hitting me around 9:00 after having gone to happy hour with some co- workers, talking about he was going to go home to shower and change, and then come (40 min drive)…. And not to worry, he can ‘still make it happen.’ I just didn’t respond.

I write about this because it happened last night, but that is FAR from the worst story, or even a bad story. It’s actually quite typical. But wait a minute… this shit is typical? Can we really start to think about this please???

It’s one thing to have to put up with erratic and disappointing behavior from someone you’re actually interested in. But when the practice dudes start getting too big for their britches, it says a lot about the devolution of the whole dating process and relationships in general. When the standard of behavior for men has become so unthinkably low that any ole guy just thinks he can do whatever he pleases, it’s time… Women as a group really need to put their collective foot down. We have to blast that substandard bar of ‘acceptable’ male behavior out of the dirty deep mire from where it’s entrenched and set it up high for the champions. For the athletes, for the strong and determined, for the heart driven winners. I’m rooting for men to sail over that bar. They will reach heightened levels of expectation. They will be respectful and caring. They will be strong enough to show love! But those expectations must exist.

I know from my experience helping kids that if you expect them to do well… they do well. If you expect them to perform poorly, they perform poorly. It’s as simple as that. If we accept substandard and unworthy treatment, that is what we will continue to get. And as long as there are so many women willing to put up with some bullshit, that’s what guys will do. But here’s one woman who refuses to be saddled with the heinous heap of dung that men mindlessly step into. Wipe your feet, clean your face, get some flowers, then come knocking at my door…

Half of Nothing

Another revelation in the rolling hills of Costa Rica. Men are scared of losing their money!!! I happened upon a huge mansion full of single guys. A crew of cool ass dudes. Not the young college crowd, not a bachelor party gathering, not even the blooming late twenty types. These guys were late thirties, never been married, financially successful, attractive, nice, normal (well…kinda) dudes. They were about 15 deep, and of the entire crew, only one had tied the knot. I was intrigued. I had to find out their thoughts on marriage, and their perspective on being single, so during a pre party at their spot, I found myself tossing all sorts of questions to whoever happened to be at bat. I was amazed at what they returned.

Calculated odds:
To many, marriage was seen from a perspective of calculated odds. A cost benefit analysis if you will. They seemed to be certain that marriage was not worth taking the risk. That it was a losing bet. Given the statistics of 1/2 of all marriages ending in divorce, the heavy financial burden of divorce and alimony, they calculated themselves out of the picture. Marriage = love/X – them.

Legal entanglements… 1/2 my $$$:
Many of the single men expressed extreme disdain with the notion of alimony and a wife’s entitlement to half of their earnings. This was blasphemous to them and alone accounted for their soft cushy retreat into the ‘why bother’ mentality. Even when I mentioned the pre-nuptial agreement thing, ‘she’ll get around it’ they promised themselves, looking with complete certainty at their future would be ex wives bitterness and deceit.

War stories:
Some men were scared straight by example. Their father or friend had been through rough times and divorces that had put a major dent in their golden wallets, and been nothing but a recurring headache (the mainstay of the conversation more about financial loss and burden than emotional pain or conflict which was also quite interesting).

Lack of control
The last thing that stuck out to me in the conversations was the association with marriage and a lack of control. The giving up of one’s autonomy, a surrendering to someone else’s demands over your life. Marriage was not viewed as a partnership, but as a competition. “If we’re married, then she’ll hold all the aces” one said, again reverting to the gambling and odds calculating analogies that kept popping up.

There was on common thread woven throughout the conversations about marriage. Pessimism. The perspective that any attempt at marriage was sure to fail. Women were sure to be life controlling and economically damaging. It was a losing bet. And as smart gambling men they wanted to keep their money.

I was feeling deflated. Could concern over money be that driving of a force? I wondered if on another level, it had something to do with loss of control over feelings as much as finances… maybe, but maybe not. This perspective of marriage as a legal arrangement rather than a union sanctioned by God, or an ultimate expression of love left me drifting off into the hazy clouds of pessimism myself until I finally found and spoke with the one married man. One. One out of 15 men. But you know what he said? He leaned towards me with his tender secret and spoke softly “I have something that these guys don’t have” he said with actual remorse for his friends “when you’re lucky enough to find that one person, that one person you love and you know has your back no matter what…it’s the most beautiful thing.” His words and his certainty gave me fresh hope. Even with all of the benefit analysis and calculating of financial risk, I’m glad at least someone realizes that some things are priceless.

The New Era of Passive Men

Has the new age of ripening female empowerment bred a generation of hopelessly passive men? Seems like so many guys sit around carelessly while women become duped into the pursuers. I’ve been reading a few male advice columns lately, and have come to find out that men are actually advised to hold back, step off, and otherwise treat a woman with butterfingers. This generates interest from the women, they say. Is this true? Well, partially, but are men following this advice? Or are they truly indifferent? OR is it the case that ‘they’re just not that into you?’

Ever kinda ‘dated’ a guy who was always around and available to hang, but never really actively pursued the hang out? Well, case in point, I am (or was, or maybe will be) dating this dude who I have a great time with and is always down to spend time, but does not usually initiate our dates. I thought it might be the case that ‘he just wasn’t that into me’ but the man has not had a relationship in over 6 years!!! Is he ‘just not that into anyone?’ Gay? (always my go to, but I doubt it) Indifferent? Irreparably heartbroken? (which leads to the protective walls of indifference) Either way, he is completely passive.

I thought it might have been because I wasn’t putting out, until I thought about how passive my ex-boyfriend was (I’m not sure I can even call him that since his ‘boyfriend’ status waxed and waned so rapidly). He had to pressured and pushed into everything. His passivity I blamed on the opposite idea… we were intimate too soon. He was too comfortable (the ‘why buy the cow’ syndrome).

So it’s not about jumping into bed too soon, it’s not about not jumping into bed, do we have to play with some invisible line between the two? Is it not about sex at all? Why are these men so passive? Or is it just that I am aggressive? Are women’s newly aggressive tendencies being balanced out by male passivity? Or do people just not know how to relate to each other anymore?

Even when I am ‘patient’ and do all the ‘right things,’ men still seem to be passive, moving at a snail’s pace at best. Another guy I started dating took me out a month ago on our first date. Let me say that again… a month ago. Since then, he has tried to make a date with me twice (one was snowed out, the other I was busy). He seems to show me he’s interested. He maintains contact, usually calls instead of texts, tries to plan in advance, but one date a month? Really guy?

This lackadaisical attitude might garner some attention from women, but it’s not going to build a healthy relationship. First of all, if a woman likes a guy, she likes him. Period. A guy is not going to magically MAKE a woman like him by being unavailable. So, if the interest is already there, all the ‘pull back’ ‘unavailability’ and ‘mystery’ may simply give him the upper hand. If he’s doing this purposely, and it’s not coming from an organic place, how long will it last? How long will a guy continue to ‘play games?’ And to what end? This is not what good solid relationships are predicated on.

It’s like the woman who plays games in order to get a man to marry her. And then what happens during the marriage? How does she keep up these appearances that she’s created? Who wants to do that?

But maybe relationship are all about playing games. Perhaps I’m not good enough at deception to be in a relationship (lol). Well, if that’s true, I’m happy to be single. Along with all of the passive men…

Successful Women and the Waning Pool of Male Potential

As I sit among my wonderful friends, I am always amazed at how many of us are single. I used to have a notion of what single women were like. Hideous. Frumpy. Bitchy. Morbidly obese. Divorced and heartbroken. Or with some other major impediment that stopped them from getting a man. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine that stunningly beautiful, well-educated, sweet, intelligent, funny, talented and successful women would be sitting around in a shallow dinge of manlessness! Wondering what the #*&@ is going on. Then I was struck with a thought… do all of these amazing and positive attributes actually make the game somehow more difficult for women? Does it actually work out that there are less men available to women who have beauty talent and success? Matter of fact, is there a close correlation between the success of a woman and the difficulty of her relationships?

Well, let’s first consider what ‘success’ means. Although to me, success is simply achieving whatever it is you set out to do, or doing well in an area of pursuit, in our culture, we place particular premiums on certain areas (mostly financial). So let’s heed to Americanism for a moment and consider the measure of ‘success’ how much money and power a woman is able to wield.

It seems like the higher up a woman climbs this ladder of ‘success’ the farther she steps away from the prototype of marriage and family that we are typically trained to yearn for as girls. Is this something she purposely moves away from? Some kind of subconscious rebellion, or actual indifference? Could it be perhaps that women who invest so much of their time and effort in their careers are really just running from the prospect of being vulnerable which true intimacy requires? Or is it that ‘successful’ women are operating on such a high level, they don’t have the patience or attraction for men who are not on their level or above?

Or rather, does the fault lie within men, and the frailty of ego? Are most men intimidated by powerful women? Males who through supposed primal genetic coding are accepted as dominating, territorial and aggressive. Are they taken aback by this new breed of woman? Independent, dominating, challenging, does this make men feel threatened, useless, or like less of a man? Certainly not all men, but, well… the majority? So that the pool of men widdles down to a shallow coating? And what of those men are left after a woman has dedicated most of her 20’s and 30’s to her career. That brief shellacking of men is now taken, minus the gays, equals a disproportionate amount of less than or equal to nothing. The math is dismal.

Or does this barren water hole have nothing to do with the delicate male ego, or the evasive defiance of the newly independent woman, and it’s just… how the wind blows? A mere sign of the times? Is it our culture of capitalism and consumption that is driving us all to make money and be ‘successful’ in terms of our financial prowess and ego status, at the cost of everything else? At the cost of cultivating deep and profound relationships? At the cost of intimate ties and strong family bonds? Is our infinite chase of greater wealth, power, and importance pushing us towards independence instead of interdependence? Is money the root of all evil? Am I asking too many questions???

Whatever the answers, something has changed, whether it’s my perception or actual circumstance. I’ve counted countless women, beautiful and successful, with no serious male prospects on radar. When it comes down to it, the pool of men has shrunk way past kiddie size (or women have outgrown it all), but my final question for future consideration is… could that possibly be a blessing in disguise?