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Why men cheat…




Do men need to cheat on their partners to be happy?

A recent article (click to read) in the Huffington Post reveals a book authored by Eric Anderson that explores this very question. His assertion is that monogamy is a socially driven construct, and one that is devastating to men, who are not designed to be monogamous. He compares monogamy to “sexual incarceration” and argues that although men desire emotional monogamy, they should be free to practice physical recreational sex with random partners as well.

When I first heard this argument being discussed on the radio, I was overwhelmed with a bevy of responses that were fighting for the most prominent position of indignation inside of my head. I almost couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Not because I’m a faithful advocate of monogamy, but just because I was struck by the lengths that some man would go to in order to justify what can very plainly and simply be summed up with one clear explanation: poor impulse control.

Why do men cheat? Because they don’t control themselves. And why don’t they control themselves? Because they can get away with it. It’s not rocket science, and it doesn’t take a Ph D level analysis to uncover this plain and simple truth. The notion that somehow males are wired to constantly go after meaningless and emotionally detached sexual encounters with different women is a LAME excuse to cover up and justify irresponsible, weak, and childish behavior by boys who shouldn’t have the nerve to call themselves men. The discussion should be of “why boys cheat.”

It is precisely the exercise of self-control that separates boys from men in the first place. Children think about their needs first. They are driven by their impulses without regard to the impact they have around them. Boys who cheat on their partners, who “desire emotional monogamy” as Anderson says, but who proceed to indulge in their physical cravings, are no different.

Anderson also asserts that these men who cheat really do “love their partners.” They lie to them because they love them and don’t want to lose them. This faulty backwards logic is stunning! If you don’t want to lose the person then DON”T CHEAT ON THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE! What on earth? No, no, no Mr. Anderson, if you love somebody, you think about their needs, you may even put them ahead of yours. If you love someone, you wouldn’t risk hurting them for what you have described as a “meaningless” sexual encounter. Wack off you jack off! That’s love!

Having said all of that, I’m not entirely convinced that monogamy should be the norm, but certainly two people entering a serious partnership should be on the same page about what their desires are. If the person you want to be with is not on your page 1) find someone else who is, 2) convince them, or 3) DEAL WITH IT! You have options. Lying and cheating is the weak, selfish way to get what you want.

Additionally, the discussion thus far has been centered around men (of course). Is the assumption that women are not also ‘wired this way?’ That it’s ‘boys will be boys?’ A lot of attention is given to the fact that men are able to have random recreational sex without emotional attachment. IF this is in fact the case, is the assumption that women are not? Do women, unlike men, develop emotional attachment as a result of sex? AND if that is the case, then aren’t the women these guys are cheating with during their recreational sex going to then develop an emotional attachment? How is that fair to any of the women involved? Oh, I forgot. It’s all about the boys. We needn’t discuss silly notions of propriety and fairness to others.

OR is it the case that women are not wired for monogamy either? If so, then why is the conversation focused around ‘men’ specifically and not just ‘monogamy.’ Would ‘men’ let their women have sex with random guys if their women let them have open sex as well? Hmmmm. Something tells me this would be an issue.

Women collectively MUST start setting boundaries of acceptable behavior. We have to realize and reflect our own value. There are way too many women that allow cheating and infidelity as an outgrowth of a larger disrespect that they put up with. This has a ripple effect that is disastrous for all women. As long as some women accept this, boys will do it. And continue to write books to justify it.

What are your thoughts?
Do men need to cheat to be happy? Or are they exercising poor impulse control?
What are the needs of women? How can they be addressed in this whole dynamic?
Should open relationships be considered more often? How do you think men would react to their partner being sexually open as they are?
POST any comments below:




2 Responses to Why men cheat…

  1. Men do not need to cheat to be happy. Many of us however prefer multi sexual partners while having a main companion to share life and it’s journey … Most of us are given an ultimatum: stay faithful or find another women. With the later being the worse of the two options we decide to become monogamous.

    Think about this:
    Women have the highest rates of success at achieving sex. Although we think of men as the more promiscuous of the two sexes. Women are more successful, women have a higher rate of sexual activity while ovulating then their male counterparts seeking sex. Millions of years of evolution have not caught up to today’s modern society rules about sex. If we were raw and primal with no regards for societal rules that were put into place, you would find both men and women seek multiple partners in a lifetime. Rules of society have helped elevate humans into a functional prosperous, successful and flourishing community. I think everyone should take the time to ask themselves what and why they seek from their partner and then manage expectations with their partners feedback.

    I think as long as we have rules about sex, there will be a constant battle of fighting natural urges.

    I do not think most men would be cool with a women that is in an open relationship. However, times are changing in America and a growing minority of couples are turning to polyamorous relationships and seeking alternative lifestyles that previous modern society’s did not engage in…

    bottom line
    ______________

    Men and women are just the same. I would not put more weight on either cheating. We both have sexual needs and they are suppressed by rules that were indoctrinated into us from the moment we entered this world. I would urge people to explore and find what is right for them and their partner. The one size fits all plan does not work for all…

  2. The real problem is that we don’t value what we destroy by cheating and lying and just not taking responsibility for our actions. We destroy our partners and our children and by extension our communities for a few seconds of …..
    and what is done often cannot be undone.
    Peace

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