Is This an Abusive Relationship?

Is This an Abusive Relationship?

Since this is my first contribution to this website, I feel the need to preface this “article” with a few things: 1) I am not a prolific or poetic writer 2) I don’t mean to be self-indulgent, but…I, like you, am a woman trying to figure out some things about myself, men, relationships and life; therefore I will regularly speak to the things that are currently going on in my life, that maybe you can relate to or have wondered about yourself.

So with that said here we go…

It was about 2 weeks ago that I was sitting on my best friend’s bed at about 11AM on a Saturday. I sleep over there every weekend and usually spend the first 2-3 hours of my day rehashing my most recent breakup, all while apologizing for “obsessing” or “ruminating,” while she nods, contributes her thoughts and assures me that “he’s not worth it.” (She’s a good friend for that). So as I’m rambling on, I asked her

“Is this abuse?”

She already knew about the time that my boyfriend of 2 years came home to his house (I would always stay in his apt when he was out cheating on me with the money he didn’t have, while I researched and worked from my computer, on his air mattress… true story) drunk and not wanting to talk to me about another lie he told. I was badgering him, I will admit. “Why did you tell me that you didn’t go anywhere that Friday night?, when clearly YOU DID because I see a picture on your desktop that has that date on it, and you’re wearing a shirt that says ‘causal sex is ok’.” He begged me to leave him alone because he was drunk, I was ‘trippin’, ‘he wasn’t lying’ and ‘you really have issues with snooping’. I kept at it even when he was hitting me in the arm harder than I felt comfortable. Yet, I continued asking ‘why are you SUCH a LIAR????!!!!!!’ (not yelling…just indignant). At that point, he grabbed me by the neck and “guided” my body down to the bed.

Was that abuse?

I also asked her about the time that we had gotten in to an argument that lasted a day or two (I think he created these arguments so that he could spend time with his other women) and I came over to his house to “make up.” We talked it out, had sex and started to watch TV. As we’re watching TV, he starts slapping me in the face. Now, he wasn’t slapping me hard enough to leave a bruise, or hard enough to sting but JUST hard enough that it didn’t seem playful. But then again, who playfully slaps a woman in the face. I tell him to stop “STOP hitting me in the FACE, FOR REAL!!! Don’t hit me in the face again.” He keeps doing it and saying “ohhhhh what are you going to do?? What are you going to do?” But he wasn’t saying it in a threatening way, so I was confused. I was baffled really. Again, I said “DON’T TOUCH ME IN THE FACE!!!” He kept on though. I eventually started crying because I got scared and this “playful game” was beginning to make me feel uncomfortable. When he saw the tears, he immediately stopped, cuddled me from behind, and said “I forgot how sensitive you are! I was just playing with you and I was getting ready to do the whole ‘aggressive sex’ thing”. We dropped the conversation and didn’t have sex. I told ONE friend who responded with an “ehhhhhhhh.” Yet, I always wondered…

Was that abuse?

Then I asked her about the time that we were sitting in the living room with his boys. I was sitting up and he was lying down so that his feet were touching my thighs. He began to kick me. He had been mad about something earlier but I thought the argument was over. He kept kicking me in the thigh, enough that it was hurting, but not enough that it seemed overtly threatening. I told him to stop kicking me, but he kept doing it, probably about 5 times. After the 5th time, his boy was like “YO…Chill with that!!” I felt stupid because his boy noticed that there was something wrong about the interaction and intervened before I could even process what was going on.

Was that abuse?

As the number of stories accumulated during this conversation I really had to take a good look at myself and ask if I had been in an abusive relationship.

There was the time that we got in an argument about his infidelity and he didn’t want me to leave until the conversation was done. He held me up against the fence to the point where I had bruises on my arms the next day. He jumped in my car, broke the lock off of the door and wouldn’t get out of the car. To be completely honest, he put his hand around my throat that night too. Again, he didn’t “squeeze” my throat so I was able to rationalize this as not being abusive. I eventually called his roommate to come and get him, he got out of the car, threw the keys at my back and called me a “stupid fucking bitch.” After that time, I had visible bruises on my arms from the fence and my mom asked me “is someone hitting you?” and she laughed… because we BOTH knew that those types of things don’t happen in our family. It wasn’t even a realistic question on her part. Yet…was it?

As my friend and I continued rehashing the experiences of subtle physicality in the relationship, I STILL couldn’t figure out if this was in fact an abusive relationship. Yet, it is SO clear that it was. I mean, I broke up with my last boyfriend when he grabbed a fork out of my hand. At that time, I felt that him even beginning to intrude upon my personal space was a clear violation. Yet, with this boyfriend I couldn’t quite figure it out. His pathological lying and passive aggressiveness clearly was playing out in his subtle ability to use physical force to control me. He could put his hands around my neck and lie to himself that he didn’t actually “put his hands on me” because he didn’t use force. Clearly, I bought that lie too.

I was convinced.

I am STILL not sure if the aforementioned anecdotes “count” as abuse. However, I do know that if it was you writing this and me reading it, I’d be wondering WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS CHICK???????? Hopefully, one of you may be reading this and beginning to recognize, that you need to ask yourself … “Was that abuse?”

I hope you ask yourself this question before it turns to blatant and overt abuse that leads to actual physical harm. My situation ended when I caught him cheating AGAIN and he slashed my tires. The tire slashing illuminated the fact that he was in fact an emotionally unstable and violent man. Again, some of us are reading about this tire slashing and wondering “is that really considered violent?”

Well…The police sure thought it was.

Young Tender (YT)

by Connie T.C.

OK, let’s be clear on the definition of the YT. The YT is more than your average
20 something type of guy. He’s a rare breed of man who can only be plucked and
procured at a special time of the year; preferably right before the snow
begins to fall and one begins to feel the craving for tender young meat that
often settles in with the season’s cold winds. The YT is short for a “young tender”
similar in experience to young chicken, not yet toughened by too many days on
the farm, still young, supple and soft, making for a delightful taste
experience when paired with a fine wine or something else of
comparable sensuous and decadent nature. The YT, in its youth and
beauty, is to be fully enjoyed and imbibed, appreciated for no more or
less than that which it is. The YT will eagerly command tricks to
raise even the most experienced brow and will be an enthusiastic
audience for any feats that one might feel inclined to bestow on the
YT. Take the experience of a YT as one of the great pleasures of life,
a fine meal, a young, but mature wine to be enjoyed by the warmth of a
non-functioning fireplace here or there. The YT is and will
remain a delicacy, a young tender reminder that life is good,
innocence still abounds, and beauty will remain ageless when reflected
in the eyes of the YT. The YT’s wish is your command, so
enjoy your date and revel in the gems that will inevitably
fall from the mouth of the YT. This is the
legacy of the YT. “

One Is The Loneliest Number For a Reason…

By Delicianna Carter

No kids, two degrees (maybe more), successful career, great salary with benefits, attractive, physically fit, good credit, sports fan, and ….single? This woman on paper seems like prime real-estate but can’t seem to get a meaningful, long-lasting relationship off of the ground.

This is an all too often and common situation, not specific to any state or area. Beautiful, independent women with a lot to offer so why are they single? It’s no secret that 70% of our sisters are unmarried, some with kids living as a single parent, desperately seeking (not Susan) but a good ‘straight’ man to share their life with. So, what is the problem?

Well, we can go with the typical answers: no good men left, most of the men are in jail, the ratio of women to men is too high, or the most popular accusation – all men are dogs! While some of these may hold some truth, there is one good reason left off of the list. Thought about but not consciously accepted by the female race: something may be wrong with us.

Don’t get me wrong, the men of the world have flaws and are not perfect – no one is. But, we must remember the golden rule: point a finger and three are pointing back at you! Perhaps if what you have been doing isn’t working then it is time to try something new. Women have been blaming men for their disappointing relationship for a long time and where has it gotten us? The highest rate of single-unmarried women in societal history.

So maybe it’s time to take a look at ourselves. Maybe it’s time to take personal inventory. Sure, our money, finances, careers, education, and independence are in order. However, what about our mental, spiritual, behavioral components? Do we really understand what men want or need? More importantly, are we able or willing to give ‘it’? Have we lost touch with our feminine qualities that satisfy men in the first place (because it isn’t the money that enables real love to grow)? Have we been so focused on being independent that we have ended up being the true definition of the word: not bound by or committed to; showing a desire for freedom.

I am not saying all women have this problem because they don’t. Even some married women have this issue then watch as their marriage union joins that popular club named “Divorce”. But if you find yourself wondering ‘why doesn’t he want me?’ or ‘why didn’t he call me back?’ then look in the mirror (the magnified side). Don’t focus on examining and fixing the faults of men, but rather your own. See the good news is: this may be the situation you are in but you don’t have to stay there; things can change.

Look for more article and books
for women and their relationships
by Delicianna

© February 2011 Delicianna Carter, Coach for Clarity Concepts, LLC

Break Up Advice Can Help You To Get Over Heartbreak

It is almost a very rare person who stays away from relationships and when there are two people involved it is almost certain that disagreements and differing points of view will come to the fore at times. These can lead to a break up that can cause loneliness, frustration, pain, anger and at times even relief. This is the time when you can do with a bit of break up advice to help you get over a possibly difficult period in your life.

There are a lot of avenues that can get you this sort of break up advice and you can even manage this anonymously over the internet. There are a number of people who can give such advice and there are forums where you can read about a lot of people in similar situations which may in some way ease your pain.

A primary thing to do after a breakup is to maintain your dignity and refrain from pleading and asking your lover to come back. You also need to think about the reasons for the breakup and whether you were in any way responsible for creating the circumstances that led to the breakup. If it is, then see whether you can change your attitude or way of thinking so that it does not again affect future relationships. Never let your confidence take a beating as you need it to go forward in life.

It is a rare person who can treat a breakup almost causally and behave just as he or she does every day. So you probably need to take a break from your usual routine and social circle and go for a trip or holiday that may even make you realize the finality of the break up. When you get back, keep away from your usual haunts that can remind you of your ex and immerse yourself in a hobby or some learning course. Even taking up gardening can be a great help.